Now just felt like the right time to sit & write this down. Because, a minute ago, I was sitting in the beating sun on the back porch, sweating a little (sorry, if that’s TMI). I was making plans to go visit the ice cream shoppe down the street and it’s hard to say if I was more excited about my scoop of cookies-n-cream or sitting in their wonderful AC to cool off for a minute.
Less than 5 minutes later, the clear skies turned grey and I’m reaching for my comfy sweater and watching the biggest chunks of hail I’ve ever seen fall from the sky. Thunder so big it shakes the house.
Goodness, the weather up north is as moody as … well … me, this summer.
Because here’s what you don’t know…
My summer started out all sunshine & ice cream with trips to Disneyland and Nashville.
But before my bags were unpacked & I even had a chance to give my new boots a taste of the AZ dirt they’d be walking on…
I found myself laying in the ER bed doubled over with the worst stomach pain.
A few tests, pricks in my arm, ultrasounds, and hours later the doc comes in with a smirk on his face and very nonchalantly says …
“Yep. Just like I said, it’s your gallbladder. Looks like we’re going to need to remove it.”
I laughed, because that’s what you do with jokes.
His next line … “We’re ready to wheel you back for emergency surgery now.” assured me he was not the kidding type.
Whoa. Hold your horse doc. I can’t even choose a nail polish color without running it past my mom & sister… I’m going to need a second opinion before I remove a vital organ.
I proceeded to sign the papers that I’m going against the dr.’s recommendation. Booked an appointment with my doctor. More tests. Lots more tests. Lots more doctor appointments… here’s what it turned out to be:
I won’t bore you with all the nitty-gritty details, but ultimately, my doctors found that my liver enzymes were elevated and there was a lot of inflammation going on. After more testing, they determined that my gallbladder didn’t need to be removed after all. My poor little gallbladder was just trying to help all along.
Praise the Lord! 🙌
Instead, my doctor gave me a treatment plan. The biggest thing?
“I’m sending you into 6 weeks of recovery & healing.”
That translated to me as … 6 weeks of quiet to work, take it easy, and enjoy the good life.
The reality of that 6 weeks? My clear blue summer skies… turned dark, thunder so loud my whole world was shaking, and “where did this hail come from?”
Those 6 weeks of recovery, ending up being clouded with TONS of anxiety. I’ve never had such bad anxiety. There were a lot of good days, sure. But more often than not, I was completely blind-sighted by the paralyzing anxiety. All sorts of different anxiety…
- Hands shaking, heart pound sheer panic anxiety … over what? Not sure… hard to pin point it.
- So behind… frantic anxiety
- Fear anxiety… Did I screw something up? Is something terrible about to happen? Is everyone I love okay?
- And paralyzing anxiety… complete shut down. My mind can’t figure even the smallest things out. It’s paralyzing.
Even long after the stomach pain ended… there was still anxiety beyond belief.
I share this with you (despite hating the attention it brings), because odds are there is someone else dealing with anxiety and there is power in simply knowing you’re not alone. And if there’s one thing I learned through my stormy summer that brings relief to someone else, it’s worth sharing it.
So, here’s what I’ve learned during my summer of recovery
1. While feeling anxiety isn’t a choice; choosing what you do with that feeling is.
I remember reading Philippians 4:6-7 years ago… “Do not be anxious about anything.” And the Lord revealed it to me that anxiety is a choice. I wrestled with that for years. How do you tell an anxious person to choose not to be anxious? This summer, I got to wrestle with it by experience… a LOT of practice. And I can say:
You can feel anxious and it’s a choice not to claim it.
It’s a battle, it’s hard, but it’s possible.
You can butter toast calmly, even if your hands shake.
2. It’s okay to throw a day away.
I would have a handful of good days, then out of nowhere a bad day would take me completely by surprise.
It would get too hard. So, I would call it a day, go for a walk, sit and cry, and play a game with the family. Miserable through it all. Try to sleep.
Hope is found in tomorrow. Even if it’s just fresh energy to keep fighting.
3. One Small Step at a Time
Even the simplest task had panels of my brain shutting down.
My brain couldn’t get around it all, so, it would shut down. The only way I could manage to get through it was simply taking it one step at a time. The next step is just to open the computer. The next step is to read the email. I took it slowly, one step at a time, not looking too far ahead.
One step at a time and you will get there.
4. A Little More Beautiful Everyday
This was the summer of the BGP rebuild. I was so excited! I planned to start from scratch. All my client feedback was sorted & organized. I had the vision and coffee ready. In Nashville, I rolled up my sleeves and put pen to paper to start making it happen.
And then it all got de-railed.
It’s defeating to go from full-steam to a crashing halt. Some days I would have no energy, others just sheer overwhelm with where to start.
But every morning at 6:30 am, I would walk past the neighbors who have the most beautiful blooming gardens in the whole neighborhood. They would wave & we would say hello. Every morning without fail, they were out there. They would have their tool of choice for that day perhaps a lawn mover, a weed wacker, gloves, soil, broom and dust pan or rake. It was different every day. But slowly, day by day, I watched them make the yard a little more beautiful.
They don’t have the best yards in the neighborhood because they did one long, hot day of work. They have the best yards because they tend to it a little each day.
Pull a weed here, add a little water there, cut the grass and then check on it again tomorrow.
Just choose one small area and start. Tidy it up, and make it a little more beautiful everyday.
5. Step back and realize that, right now, everything is calm and simple.
My physical coffee mug. My physical seat. The tapping on my physical computer keys. Don’t let your mind wander. Bring it back to this very present moment. *inhale … exhale. Breathe.*
Right now, at this very moment, everything is calm.
6. Make a decision. If it’s terrible, re-elevate tomorrow.
That’s it. Pause the overthinking. Think about it once. See how it goes. Decide if you will repeat that decision or not tomorrow.
Here’s How I’m Feeling Now:
I hope this helps, if you’re in a similar boat this summer.
Thankfully, this story *does* have a beautiful bow on it… I’m doing MUCH better!! I started to feel like myself again (with more tools in my tool belt) a couple weeks before the Back-to-School Portrait Day.
The hours between anxiety attacks turned to days, days turned to weeks, and slowly I’ve had a FULL recovery. I went back for another round of tests & ultrasounds and my doctor gave me a straight A + report. I’m as healthy as ever! Annnddd… I’m still kickin’ it with my gallbladder! Thank you, Jesus!
My biggest takeaway? I don’t know what the day holds, much less the next 15 minutes. But slowly, breath by breath, moment by moment, and through the power of prayer, and the ones you love holding you up on each side… we’ll get through it.
Xo,
Bethie
P.S. The introvert in me squirms hitting publish on this. If this resonates with you in ANY way, leave a comment or send me an email. I’d love to hear from you!
P.P.S. After weeks of afternoon rainstorms, I found myself in the forest & snapped this photo. Turns out, all that summer rain helped grow something beyond beautiful.
